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Golfing Barefoot In the Desert Is a Bad Idea

Updated: Sep 23, 2021

Well, I learned my lesson the hard way, to say the least. Now what’s funny is I have gotten away with it for years and years. For me personally, there is nothing better than playing “Whack Fuck” (golf) barefoot. From Nicaragua, where it all started in Canada to the USA, I love playing barefoot. Well, my streak of nothing happening to my precious tootsies is over.

Have you ever had raging hot bacon grease splatter on yer belly, chest, or feet whilst cooking tarps off and barefoot on a weekend bender?? It hurts like hell for a second or two then it’s gone. Well, that’s what it felt like being ravaged by FIRE ANTS on my feet in the moment. Then I was like, “OK, that wasn’t so bad, fella” but holy hell it goes sideways fast. So here’s what happened….

I always wear my golf shoes on the front 9 and take em off for the back 9. This coincides with me playing better on the back 9. It’s a mental thing I think. Anyway, I was on the 13th hole and put my drive into the rough about 8 feet off the fairway. No big deal, I had a perfect line to green, fluffy lie and was ready to fire at the pin when both of my feet were on fire all of a sudden. When I looked down, old dumb-dumb realized I was on a fire ant hill buried under the rough and I had pissed them off. My left foot took the worst of it but my right foot got hit with some shrapnel for sure. Now look, I have never been bitten by FIRE ANTS before so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.

Believe me when I say the rest of the round sucked huge balls (which I don’t mind)!!!!

Gregory found out the hard way why they are called FIRE ANTS. The burning feeling that followed for the next couple of hours was unreal. Thankfully I had copious amounts of ice-cold water available and I constantly kept pouring bottles of it on my feet. Once we finished our round the burn subsided and I thought ok cool all is well. Fuck was I wrong.

The itch then kicked in again and I mean kicked in. I spent hours trying not to rip my skin off. Well, it got worse. I went to bed and within 2 hours it basically felt like my feet were soaking in flesh-eating acid. It got to the point where at 3 am, I turned the light on and scratched the bejesus out of the tops of my feet. I had to stop because I was almost at the bleeding point. I simply couldn’t STOP as I lay there for countless hours as the burn and itch was that bad. AND NO I DIDN’T HAVE ANY CREAM.

I even tried that YouTube pouring rain and thunder video that helps 99% of people fall asleep. Well, it doesn’t help the 1% or numbskulls like me who got ravaged by FIRE ANTS. This I know. It’s a tad hard to see in this photo but each bite is constantly oozing puss on day 2.

You would think that it’s like a mosquito bite. Here today, gone tomorrow. Yah, NO!

The second night of the itch wasn’t as bad but still nasty. The next morning is when the puss had stopped oozing out of all the holes and now they are scabbing over with that nice Lil yellowish infection glow to it. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

Last night’s sleep was the best yet with only 30 to 45 minutes of a gentler scratch. Well, it’s day 4 they have really scabbed over and are a tad bubbly with puss inside. I don’t want to squeeze them anymore as I tried that on day 2 and it didn’t work so swell. Me thinks at this point they are best left untouched and we should smoke lot’s more weed and get through this together. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

So….. the moral of this blog is…. kids wear yer damn shoes whilst golfing in the desert in California. The funniest thing about this blog is that I am most likely the only idiot who would do this in the first place. Carry on with yer day. Hit fairways and greens and smoke em if ya got em.


Trippin With Bondzee

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